Trust

It has been a while since I last posted. I have tried to be as consistent as my husband, who even in the midst of his darkness is still able to post once a week, but I have failed.

I know why.

I am a little too aware that people will actually read this and for all that I am an open person, sometimes saying what is REALLY on my mind and heart is frightening.

And not because I will be judged, assessed, considered, measured. I made my peace with that years ago – and play on it (in that way I am a little too much like my Dad. He walks into a room, watches, waits for the perfect moment, says the most controversial thing and then stands back to watch the room explode). No, it’s more I am aware of the effect my sharing may have; the emotions and thoughts I may evoke.

The other reason is what has been happening in my darling Husband.

I have always had faith in him. He is intelligent, brave, resourceful, hard-working, emotional mature, and knowledgable of himself. I have faith that he will get through this, but not in the same way as I did last week.

In the past three days I have had fear come and cover me. The darkness Luke fights everyday managed to score a hit – twice. Once through thoughts, in planing a suicide attempt. The other in actions, as he curled into a ball at the bottom of the shower. Those hits didn’t just effect him, they effected me.

I am profoundly grateful that he doesn’t hide this from me in an effort to spare me pain or project a ‘she’ll be right’ attitude. I couldn’t bear to be lied too in such a way but oh my  good Lord it hurt. It hurt to hear the plan he made and it hurt to see him like that.

So my faith is shaken a bit.

But.

Even though the fear covered me, blinded me momentarily, it did not pierce me to the heart. I had peace; thoughts of ‘he’s still here’ – simple and comforting. That’s the truth I am holding on to at the moment. He is still here, with me. I can still love him and hold him and tell him that this will pass.

And that I do trust. I trust that Jesus has us in hand. I trust that Father God has us in hand. I trust that we are held. I trust that this is a season, not a forever, it will pass.

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